


The Beauty of this Mess is that it Brings me Close to you

by VelveteenPrince



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Incest, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, twin incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2018-10-07 11:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10359873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelveteenPrince/pseuds/VelveteenPrince
Summary: Admitting he felt the same was hard and sayingI think about you a little more than I shouldfelt wrong. But there was definitely something more than just brotherly to their relationship, whether either cared to admit it or not





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title's from Sleep Baby Sleep by Broods

If you’d asked Saeran, he’d tell you his brother’s incessant typing was the most annoying and distracting thing when he was trying to go about his day.

It was a lie.

Saeyoung’s typing frequency had dropped over the last few minutes, going from the eventual _tap tap tap,_ to _tap, tap,_ and finally, to a full stop. He hadn’t heard a single finger hit a key in over four minutes and it was nerve-wracking. His brother’s typing had become a background noise he was so used to that raw silence quickly became unbearable.

Although Saeran knew why this was.

He’d stopped paying attention to his video game as soon as he felt a piercing gaze fixed on him. At the time he only dared to look out of the corner of his eye to check. Saeyoung had been staring in his direction for at least five minutes.

He’d found aiming his focus back into the game to be futile, he’d lost three times in a row. Saeyoung could probably tell from his spot, the eventual creaking of his chair the only sound to accompany them.

“You know, you’re gonna get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that.” He’d been half expecting it, yet he almost jumped out of his skin when Saeyoung broke the silence.

“You know, it’s your fault."

"What am I doing?” He almost sounded offended, Saeran looked up to meet his brother’s gaze, both eyebrows raised in fake stupor, though otherwise the same as ever, a smile that isn’t present but implied, in his tone, his relaxed muscles. _Did he always have to be this carefree around him?_

“You keep looking at my face. It’s creepy.” The creepy part wasn’t being stared at, but rather not knowing exactly what his brother was thinking. How he’s changed? How much he misses the small boy who looked up to him and needed to be saved?

_I’m sorry you’re stuck with me instead of that little–_

“I like your face."

To that, he didn’t quite know how to respond. _What did that even mean?_ Cued by his silence, Saeyoung continued, resting his chin on his palm as he leaned on his chair, as if to better look at his brother. "Especially when you’re so focused like you were just now.”

Was there a specific response he was expected to give? The thought of there being something more than brotherly love to his twin’s words felt odd. He couldn’t say he hadn’t considered it, in fact, he’d done so more than he cared to admit. And it hurt to be hearing words that, to Saeyoung, must not have meant much to say out loud.

“You keep talking as if I’m going to disappear.” More than once he’d been woken up by his brother rushing out of his room in the middle of the night to make sure Saeran was still in his room and he hadn’t vanished into thin air, it’s not like he hadn’t noticed.

When Saeran dared to ask he’d gotten a simple _I just came to get some water_ or _I needed to use the bathroom,_ as a response, before Saeyoung retreated into his room, without actually doing any of the things he claimed to be out for. The time he actually walked past Saeran’s room to get to the kitchen, he’d paced back and forth for about two minutes and, in the end, left his glass of water untouched on the countertop.

“One day I just might.” He joked, setting down his game on the coffee table in front of him. Unaware that his brother had just hit his chin after his arm slipped from the headrest after hearing Saeran’s words.

Saeyoung probably knew he was joking. Maybe. A dumbfounded half smile on his face suggested most likely. Yet the look in his eyes still managed to make Saeran’s chest tighten. _I’m sorry._ He wanted to say. _I didn’t want you to make that face._

All Saeyoung did was reach out for his brother’s face, leaving the chair to join him on the couch. Both hands held him in place, tracing cheekbones with his thumbs, apparently ignoring the previous comment, though his pained expression suggested otherwise.

“Saeran…"

His brother’s hands were warm, so much so he almost forgot to reply. His palms searching for the back of Saeyoung’s hands, to hopefully numb the effect. If his face were to heat up any more he was sure they’d start a fire. "I was joking. I’m not going anywhere."

His fingertips lightly caress the space between Saeyoung’s fingers. He doubts, not because he doesn’t want to hold his brother’s hand, but out of fear of him taking it as a brotherly act, instead of a result of many sleepless nights spent thinking of his own twin in ways he should never do.

"Oh,” Saeyoung’s hands slip from his hold, “right. I should have known.” He laughs to cover up, or maybe to release the tension he just felt, his shoulders dropping as his usual smile returned.

_Fuck it. Why should I care how he decides to perceive my actions?_

His hand followed Saeyoung’s, his fingers finding home between his brother’s, and curling so as not to let him escape.

If he didn’t, his brother would stand up and get back to his work, and they wouldn’t get another moment like this in god knows how long.

“How long are you going to keep handling me with kids’ gloves? You forget I tried to kill you.”

Saeyoung winced, it was still a sensitive topic they’d silently decided to move past after their heart-to-heart a few months back. Right now they were at the stage where “moving past” meant not mentioning it again. And it bothered Saeran to have to ignore it when he knew neither of them had forgotten.

His brother tried to retrieve his hand without much success.

“I… it’s not that… at all…" He avoided his eyes, his hand trembling in Saeran’s hold, perhaps unsure if he should let go. “You’ve probably noticed already, it’s more than that. The reason I check on you every night when I fear you might have run away.”

His grip loosened, but now it was Saeyoung who refused to let go of his hand.

“What is it?” He had to ask, because admitting he felt the same was hard and saying _I think about you a little more than I should felt wrong._

A laugh left the back of his throat in place of a response, before regaining eye contact with his brother. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.” His hand was gone before Saeran could tighten his grip and stop him. His brother got up and left without another word, leaving Saeran’s body ice cold except from where Saeyoung’s hands had touched him, an _I’m sorry still ringing in his ears._

_About what? ___


	2. [2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Saeyoung's thoughts about Saeran. And then...

\---Saeyoung--- 

His hands travel a dangerous path up soft yet firm legs. He takes a moment to ravish at the virgin skin of his brother's inner thighs, his nails leaving barely visible marks over tender flesh. 

Saeran makes a noise, urging him to hurry before their mother came home. But Saeyoung wants nothing more than to savor this moment. He could die the next for all he cared.   
He pulls his brother closer, digging his fingers into Saeran's hipbones. His brother's bare ass pressing against Saeyoung's erection, still trapped in his boxers. 

_More._

His hands become needy, desperate to feel more skin, pinch Saeran's perky nipples, brand him on places he'd never show anyone. He rolls his hips into him, the sensation intoxicating and making Saeyoung lose grasp in reality by the second. 

Their breaths mix together as Saeyoung opens his mouth to tell Saeran how much he loves him. 

But he's unable to get the words out. 

\--- 

The covers suffocate him. He struggles to break free in the darkness of his room, panting as he regains consciousness. His growing arousal pressing uncomfortably against the confines of his underwear. 

Sleep clears from his face as he recalls his dream. He wipes cold sweat from his forehead, the images, the sensations, flooding back to him. 

_His brother._

_Who was sleeping in the next room._ He feels as though a sponge has been shoved into his throat. His face falls on his palms, he wants to cry into the dead silence of the night. Yet no sound comes out. 

It's not the first time this has happened, either. 

Ashamed, he comes into his hand. Between pants, a breathless _Saeran_ never leaves his lips. Instead only letting out sweet broken moans amongst which his brother's name becomes indistinguishable. 

He would have much preferred to take Saeran in his arms, hold him close, do the very things that haunt his dreams. The idea scares him as much as it excites him. Like this he'd surely, _surely go to hell_

Outside, the doorknob to Saeran's room turns, before tired footsteps walk past his door. Blood drains from his face. _Did he... did he hear?_

_Is he mad?_

_...Disgusted?_

\---Saeran--- 

It's quiet. 

Too damn quiet for his liking. He didn't dare ask himself what he was doing in the kitchen so late at night, sleep heavily settling on his eyelids.   
He hadn't worked up the courage to admit to himself that he's waiting. Waiting for his brother to come out of his room, and get a chance to talk to him.   
Instead, he'll blame it on being restless. Make up an excuse much like those his brother uses. 

His feet hang from the countertop where he's settled. It's not like he could sleep anyway. But it's frustrating. The silence, the uncertainty. Had Saeyoung heard him leave his room? 

No, he _knows_ Saeyoung heard him leave his room. 

The kitchen light flickers every once in a while. It's convincing him this was a bad idea, and he should return to his room before the lights go out. 

Not far off, the one other door at the end of the hall creaks, and light footsteps approach the kitchen. But the _thump thump thump_ pounding in his ears comes from his own chest. Expectation building up inside before his brother even takes notice of him. 

"Saeran?" A drowsy voice comes from far away, getting closer. "What are you doing up?" 

He wants to laugh. 

"I could ask the same to you." He says, only letting the ghost of a smile taint his deadpan expression. 

Saeyoung lifts his index finger, ready to speak. Saeran can guess his next words before leave his mouth, as if it'd become an inside joke between them by now. 

"Let me guess. Glass of water?" 

"Ah... yeah." 

"You're easy to read." He intended to ease the tension that built between them after their exchange just a few hours earlier. Maybe Saeyoung had trouble sleeping too. Maybe he also feels there were words left unsaid. 

He takes a moment. "That's because I don’t have anything to hide around you." 

_But we both know that's not true._

"I'd call that predictable." 

Saeyoung approaches him, to stand in front of him. "What if I said that was a lie?" 

"Also predictable." 

A laugh vibrates at the back of his throat. "So you know everything about me. What can I do to surprise you?" 

His mind doesn't register what they're talking about. He's pleased to see his brother have to tilt his head back to look at him. He leans in so he has to do it more. 

"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise, stupid." 

A full smile appears on his face, his hands resting at either side of Saeran. "Then a hint?" 

They came to the realization that the space between them had narrowed. They could breathe each other. And through eye contact alone hold a conversation in silence.   
He blinks, it's slow, to get his message across. Saeyoung parts his lips in return. 

He's seen [MC] do this when she directs her gaze towards Jaehee across the table, and in turn she tucks a stray hair behind her ear and her cheeks redden. Their gazes alone say it all. And he even becomes a bit flustered himself just watching. 

_Intimate._ Yeah, that’s the word for it. 

They had one of those moments earlier, too. Their conversation being carried out not by the words spoken, but by their bodies. Saeyoung cupping his face, smooth fingers tracing a path above his cheeks, his touch lingering over his hand before letting go completely. Abruptly ending the conversation. 

That was the most honest they'd been with each other in a while. So maybe his apology earlier had referred to everything they said without using words.   
He swallowed hard. Wetting his lips, tingling with the need to close the remaining gap. His breath gets stuck in his throat when he tries to say something.   
He leans in to press his forehead against his brother's. Saeyoung's breath mixes with his. It's intoxicating. 

But they could be closer. 

"Saeyoung..." He begins. Interrupting their silent conversation. Why did he have such a pained expression? 

"Shh, I'm just..." Saeyoung closes his eyes. He's not letting him in any more. 

His brother pulls away. As if being brought back to reality by a bucket of cold water to the face. The temperature drops without his warmth seeping into Saeran through their closeness. 

He can feel what's about to happen when Saeyoung opens his eyes and the pain he saw just a second ago had vanished. His heart sinks. 

_No. Come back._

With a final _zzt_ the light in the room dies out, leaving them in complete darkness. He can't reach out to grab his brother because suddenly he can't see him anymore.   
He hopes Saeyoung didn't hear his gasp. 

"Whoops. We'll have to change that." His voice has gone back to normal, while Saeran feels as though he's fallen under ice. 

"Here, let's get you down." He tries to swallow the tension, ignoring how it bulges in his throat and almost makes his eyes water. At least Saeyoung can't see it, right? 

Though he _can_ feel Saeran's body temperature rising, when he holds him as he jumps down from the counter. 

They manage not to stumble so much, their breaths and shuffling of their clothes quickly disappear into the night. They stay still. Not because they have to. It's another silent conversation. That soon gets interrupted. 

"So... About that hint on how I could surprise you..." 

It was pure luck that let him find Saeyoung's lips in the dark, slightly parted and ready to continue with one of his silly comments when Saeran cut him short. 

Maybe he'd found the courage under the cover of darkness. Though, again, he'd blame it on wanting to shut his brother up.   
Saeyoung doesn't quite know how to react, either. It's over as soon as it starts. Yet it manages to send an electric shock throughout his body that almost left him unable to speak.   
His brother's hands hadn't stopped clutching his sides, as if to hold him in place. As if to not let him escape. 

"There's your hint." 

He does his best to hide the smile tugging at the corners of his lips, pressing his head against Saeyoung once more. This time, it gets him to release him from his hold. 

The walk back to the hall where they can turn on the lights is silent. Saeran held Saeyoung's hands as his brother still seemed to be processing his actions. Though, when the time came, Saeran had closed the door to his room without a word. 

_So much for getting a chance to talk,_ he thinks. 

No, he's making progress. He's sure of it. 

He doesn't sleep one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient with this fic, and to everyone who's liked this so far!! I plan to post regular choicest content starting now (though not tomorrow, it's my birthday <3)


	3. [3]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung goes to MC for advice. Or perhaps he just doesn't want to deal with what happened the night before.

It was the fourth sugar cube he'd dumped into his coffee, before mindlessly reaching for a fifth one.

"Stop. That's a disgrace to coffee drinkers everywhere." Said [MC], covering the tray of sugar cubes with her hand and sliding it to the other side of the counter. Saeyoung sighed, defeated as he began to stir his coffee. 

"Wanna tell me what's bothering you, then? You're obviously not here because you're secretly a coffee enthusiast." [MC] rested her chin on her fist, ready to listen. 

"Coffee's too bitter." A groan left his throat, he didn't even know where to begin. His forehead connected with the cold counter, his glasses sliding off a little as he laid on one side of his face, breath fogging the marbled countertop "What do I do?" He accommodated himself again to rest on his chin.

"Should I try to guess?" His silence prompted her to continue. "Is it about your job?" 

Saeyoung shook his head in response. 

"Does it involve someone else?" 

"Yeah" 

"Is it about your brother?" 

There was a pause, a moment where he refused to make eye-contact. "Yeah..."

"Did you two fight?" 

"No..." Saeyoung finally worked up the courage to sit up and look her in the eye... as much as he could. 

"Things are still awkward between you two?" 

"I mean..." He hesitated, his head hanging to the side as he lifted his shoulders. 

[MC] leaned in, forcing eye-contact again. "Have you _tried_ talking it out with him?" 

Silence. 

She sighed. "Listen. Whatever it is, it won't get fixed until you're comfortable enough talking things out with him." 

"I was content _not_ doing that. It was something I was prepared to accept. For the rest of my life" 

"Do you honestly think that's helping anyone?" 

"No. I know it is. I don't want to ruin our relationship." He retreated into his hoodie, gaze focused on his drink as he brought it to his lips. 

"Jesus. How bad is it?" A half smile spread across her face. "Did'ya walk in on something you shouldn't have?" 

The sudden suggestion made him cough his coffee back into the cup, a slight burning sensation crawling up the bridge of his nose. 

"Sorry, sorry. It's just quite common for people who live together!" She quickly waved her hands in front of her chest, suppressing a laugh, the few people still in the café looked up. Saeyoung felt glad it was almost closing time when he came, as there weren't many people, and he could comfortably chat with his friend without interrupting her work. 

"Okay how about—" She reached under the counter to pull out a small cake box "I pack something sweet for you to give Saeran? As a nice ice-breaker." 

He had to smile. "He'd love that, thank you." It certainly wasn't going to make everything better. But it was a start and damn it if he wasn't going to take whatever was going to help them get out of this mess quickly.  
[MC] insisted on treating them, as she couldn't stand them not being in good terms. Saeyoung waved her and Jaehee good-bye from the entrance, plastic bag with the cake in one hand. She mouthed _Good luck._ giving him a thumbs up. He was happy to be able to relax. The air was still tense in his house, even more so than before. Upon opening the door and looking around he realized Saeran must still be locked in his room.

He figured Saeran must have heard him come in, as murmurs coming from the hall reach his ears.  
No... As he approaches his brother's door it becomes apparent Saeran remains unaware that Saeyoung is just outside. 

He hears loud panting, accompanied by the unmistakable creaking of a bed. "Ah, fuck..." Saeyoung swallows, the plastic bag falling from his hold, sirens going off inside his head but his feet suddenly nailed to the ground. Could it be possible...? 

Moans echo in the hall, as well as choked breaths following the occasional unintelligible plea. His mind can't help but imagine a pair of fingers parting Saeran's lips, and digging deep into his mouth, properly wetting them before pulling them out to tease the tip of his cock. 

Was he always this loud when Saeyoung wasn't home? _No, don't think about that._

Leaning forward to press his ear against the door was as far as his body allowed him to move. God, he shouldn't have. He should have ran away and not tried to listen to his brother's unrestrained mewls. 

He covered his mouth to stop himself from audibly gasping when that sweet voice called out to someone. 

"Sae—Ah!--Saeyoung..." 

_Run away._ He told his legs. He _begged_ for the floor to let go of his feet and allow him to run and hide somewhere he couldn't hear his own name reverberating in his mind, called out in his brother's husky voice. A voice he hated himself for adoring to the point of desperately wanting to open the door. 

But he shouldn't. 

He can't. 

His hand lingers on the doorknob, his fingertips against the cold metal bring him back to reality. The weight grounding him has lifted, and it seems to him like it's taken part of himself with it. Instead he walks to his own room, a new weight settled on his chest. 

He slammed his door with a little more force than he intended. Undeniably announcing his presence to his brother. He kept his back against the door, not even realizing he was sliding down until he reached the floor, his fingers grasping at his hair. 

The kiss they shared still fresh in his mind. Every little thing his brother did, in fact, was engraved into his brain. Result of him wanting to relearn everything about Saeran. He knows it's his fault. That he never should have fallen in love with his brother. That Saeran should hate him for it. 

He thought of messaging [MC]. Something along the lines of... **I can't do it. Get me out of here.**

But he didn't really want to leave, did he? Not only was his boner pressing uncomfortably against his jeans not going to let him leave the house, a part of him did want this to be over. If "over" meant finding out this was all a misunderstanding and his brother was not actually getting off to _him._

Not that he had any place to complain. 

He'd done the same before. 

He stared at the empty New Text box, words began to appear before he noticed his fingers tapping the keys.  
His phone buzzed before he found the resolve to press _Send_

**[Hey! Just got off work. How did Saeran like the cake?]**

It took his mind a moment to remember the cake. _The cake that was still lying outside his brother's room._ As much as he hated the idea of going back out, he knew had to.  
He poked his head out into the hall to see if it was clear.  
_It's not there anymore...?_

His stomach turned knowing he couldn't hide now. 

He found Saeran nose-deep in the fridge. A weight pressed against his chest, heart racing as he awaited to be noticed. 

"You're early." 

Saeran didn't so much as direct a single glance at Saeyoung. Pins and needles dig into his chest, it was becoming hard to breathe. 

"Yeah I...[MC] had somewhere to be, so..." 

His brother extended his hand, offering him a can of Dr. Pepper, his head still turned towards the fridge's insides. 

That was fine—It's not like Saeyoung wanted to meet his eye either. He accepted it, feigning great interest in it as he fiddled with the tab to avoid looking at Saeran. 

"I want to talk." He said when he finally turned around, closing the door. 

He sat at the opposite side of the counter, their gazes finally meeting. All blood rushed to Saeyoung's face. He limited himself to a shy nod, prompting him to continue. 

"About yesterday." 

His throat went dry in only a few seconds. No amount of swallowing helped. 

"Did you think I wouldn't bring it up?" 

"I had hoped." But he knew Saeran was too smart. He had only hoped he'd bring it up once Saeyoung's mind had cleared, or at least stopped replaying the scene in his head over and over since it happened. His warmth hadn't left him, but it was only the ghost of the real thing and it hurt to know he could reach for his brother at any moment and feel it again. "Please forget yesterday." And God help him. He wanted to so much. If it was up to him he'd erase that moment entirely from existence. 

But that was a lie, wasn't it? 

If it was truly up to him, he'd give his brother everything and more, instead of trying to distance himself. If it was up to him, he'd take all of Saeran's pain and shoulder it alone, while allowing his brother to feel only bliss. But this was the real world. And going any further would hurt both of them.

"How many things am I supposed to just forget? Weren't we supposed to work things out together?" Like right now. He was hurting him right now. 

"This is not..." _Not how brothers should act._ Saeyoung sighed. Gaze still fixed to his drink. "I'm sorry." If he stayed any longer he might break.  
His legs were heavy and he begged for them to hold out at least until they got to his room. 

"I like you." 

Saeyoung froze in his place, right before entering the hall. He refused to turn around. 

"I know you know that. And I know you won't mention it until I do. Just thought I'd bring it up now instead of acting like we don't realize it." 

His legs stopped working completely, dropping him to his knees, his eyes clouding with tears. In the distance, he could hear as his brother stumbled out of his chair to approach him. 

Even after Saeyoung had hurt him. 

A pair of arms turned him around, his back met the wall and he was finally able to look into the pained expression in Saeran's eyes. He looked away, embarrassed. 

"You don't have to accept my feelings if you don't like me." He ran his tongue along his lips, hesitating, as if choosing his words carefully. "Just tell me." 

Saeyoung reached for the hands on his shoulders, warm as he remembered them. Trembling, as they seemed to do a lot lately. "Of course I like you." 

"Then why are you crying?" 

He let out a laugh, twin tears rolling down his eyes when he closed them. "You're crying too." He tugged his brother's sleeve, as if asking for permission to hug him. Saeran leaned in, but he let Saeyoung pull him gently to close the gap until they were exchanging body heat. Saeran's head resting on his chest, too familiar. 

"Would you sleep with me tonight? Like you did when I first moved in..." There was no need for Saeran to speak louder than a whisper when they were this close. When they let their actions speak for themselves. 

"Of course." Saeyoung brushed the hair away from his brother's face, tucking loose strands behind his ear. "Of course I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa thank you all for your patience. This fic is coming to an end! I'm thinking probably just one or two more chapters so I can move on to other stories. I'd love to know what you think and what kind of stories you'd like to read from me in the future...


	4. [4]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Choi twins finally, _finally_ have a heart-to-heart

The plan to sleep instead turned into a competition to see who could first pierce the ceiling with their stare alone. Once the tears dried and their silent conversations stopped, did the weight of the things they admitted finally dawn on them. 

The realization that his brother liked him shouldn’t have come as a surprise for him, yet his ears rang with the same euphoria that washed over him when their lips had connected for barely even a second, or when Saeran called out his name in an unrestrained moan, muffled only by the door separating them.

Neither would dare break the silence with any more than their breathing, hoping sleep would overtake them first, so they could resume being honest with each other, if only in dreams; where they’d subconsciously reach for the other and wake up in a tangled mess of limbs and shared breaths. So close that even the smallest of shifts would cause a reaction in the other. 

Not that that wasn’t happening already. With their shoulders brushing, synced breathing and matching temperatures. It was hard not to notice. Saean’s fingers twitched in search for contact. Saeyoung offered his hand, electric currents running through his veins as soon as skin touched skin.

Nothing about this was right. 

Not the way his brother’s scent lingered in the very unchanged sheets Saeyoung’d heard him masturbating on just hours prior, nor the slight tingles sparked by Saeran’s fingers travelling up his wrist, his arm, his chest... 

Everything in this room, in fact, screamed Saeran. Saeran. _Saeran._ Even his own heartbeat had joined in on the rhythmic melody of his brother’s name as soon as his palm slid just below his collarbone. A shiver ran up his spine. But he didn’t stop there, finding his neck. Overwhelming his senses.

He tried, he really did, to put up some resistance as Saeran pulled him in. His eyes watching his lips tentatively as if to ask for permission. And just how could he deny his brother when he could barely make sense of his own thoughts

This was his fault. His fault. _His fault._

_He_ was allowing this to happen. _He_ let his hand find Saeran’s hip bone under the covers, digging his fingers into the exposed skin his ridden up shirt allowed. And _he_ was the one making up an excuse about how they were too tired to be in their right mind. 

Saeran’s lips parted. Whether to let out a breath or to invite Saeyoung’s tongue in, he couldn’t know. He was snapped back into reality the next second, sitting up to escape his own need to follow Saeran’s action by deepening the kiss, exploring every last inch of him until there were no secrets left between them. 

Until every last damn second they spent apart became meaningless.

“I’m sorry I’m so gross.” 

Saeyoung’s breath hitched. “No. Of course that’s not—” _That’s not it at all._ A sigh finished his sentence for him, as he tried to collect his thoughts, shutting up every urge to pull his brother close and show him just how wrong he was to think Saeyoung could _ever_ find him gross. 

All he could manage, however, was burying his head in his hands, choked breaths stuck in his throat. Saeran’s eyes piercing into him. If he had to guess what Saeran tried to tell him, it would be to stop pretending to be better than he actually was. And he couldn’t blame him.

_I’m sorry._ He wanted to say. _It’s all my fault_ would have sufficed too. But instead what came out of his mouth was, 

“I wish it was as easy.”

Saeran raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Excuse me?” He was sure he’d heard just fine, this room was quiet as ever, after all.

“As when we used to go for ice cream whenever I wanted to cheer you up” He explained, offering his hand to help Saeran sit up. 

“Must you always bring up the past? That kid is long dead.” Despite the bite in his words, he accepted Saeyoung’s hand, putting up less resistance than he was expecting. Saeran’s face coming a breath’s close from touching his when Saeyoung pulled him up. “And anyway it’s too late for ice cream.”

Saeyoung chuckled, being the first to pull away. He wasn’t sure whether he’d meant it literally or not. “I guess you’re right.” 

His brother leaned in the space he’d leaned back. He seemed to be doing that a lot.“It’s not going to be easy.” 

He never quite expected it to be. In fact, every moment he’s been in love with his brother he’s known just how not easy it is. And he isn’t talking about loving Saeran, that’s been second nature to him for as long as they’ve shared the same air.

“But it’s not like you have to figure it out on your own, you know?” Saeran’s eyes searched for his. 

“Figure _what_ out?” He’s thought about it. More than he should. “It’s not like we can— _be_ a couple.” And every time he crashes into the same wall. Keeping it hidden. Never being able to tell even their closest friends. And looking too much alike to feel comfortable reaching for each other in public. 

A weight pressed against his chest when he finally met Saeran’s pained expression. “I’m sorr—”

“I’m not looking for a title.” Saeran snapped, freeing himself from Saeyoung’s hold. “And I can live without telling the whole world I’m in love with my brother.” His finger reached for his chest as if he knew of the boulder that wouldn’t let him breathe properly. “All I need is for _you_ to know. And to accept that as it is.” With that single tap of his finger, it was gone, his heart picking up the pace.

Saeyoung closed his eyes, shaking his head. “You only think you like me because you found out I like you.”

“No!” Saeran’s hands clasped at either side of his brother’s face, forcing eye-contact. “I like you because I like you.”

He wasn’t sure if his own emotions scared him more than Saeran’s, about to overflow with every word spoken. 

“It’s wrong.”

“Who’s to say?”

Saeyoung hesitated, worrying his lip as if he didn’t really want to let out an answer. “God—”

He was cut off by a pair of lips on his, soft as he remembered them, wiping out every way he might have ended that sentence from his head. “Aren’t we going to hell already?”

Saeran was right. There wasn’t a point in pretending to be better than he was. There was one truth only, and that truth was pushing him back on the bed, getting on top of him, running his hands along his cheek. He was mesmerized.

“Saeran…”He finally let out the name that’s been burned into his tongue, dying before it touches his lips.

“We’ll ease them into it. Your friends.”

All blood rushed back to his head, despite his crotch calling for his attention since Saeran straddled him. “What?”

“And drive out into the night just to hold hands. Or just do it at home, I don’t mind.” He almost forgot to listen. He’d come to accept his brother had grown up. And he liked this Saeran. The one who not only shared his thoughts, but had managed to break down every wall Saeyoung had come up with. When he put it like that, well, it came as naturally as breathing. “The rest of the world can keep what they say is right to themselves.” 

 

Saeran leaned in, connecting their foreheads. Probably noticing Saeyoung lost in his thoughts. “And we’ll fuck like animals, too.” 

His face burned with embarrassment. Saeran’s smile growing into a wide grin. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you listening in on me.” 

“You were being too loud! And anyway it was an accident.” Saeyoung pouted, looking away. Only then did he notice Saeran had also trapped his hands, making it impossible for him to run away.

“Right. _That_ time it was.” 

His embarrassment was short-lived. His brother’s smile being too contagious. Or maybe that was just him, not being able to resist Saeran.

Yeah. They’d be all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this has been a long time coming... I have to say thank you for all your patience. I really wanted to have time to finish this before school started but... ah. Well, I couldn't just abandon my boys without giving them a happy ending


End file.
